The First Decade...

January 18, 2003 Allah thought it would be best to take away from us the most special, precious, unique person from our lives - my one & only big brother, their only son, their eldest grandchild, their favourite cousin, their lover, their best friend, and much more...

Allah was sure he wouldnt be safe in the world anymore, and that something much more horrifying would have happened, and that we all wouldnt be able to handle the pain in our day to day lives, and this was the only thing that allowed us to keep going all these years that Allah definetly chose the best for him, and for us even though it is the most everlasting painful feeling, and shocking experience we had lived at that time, and still go through it all..daily, and suffer from it every year remembering the hardest, and most tragic details from the beginning until we were hit by the ongoing shocking reality that it has been a decade since all our lives changed, or let me rephrase it this way 'since our lives were shattered' yet we were obliged to experience and live with the change that he will no longer be physically present in our daily lives, and we had no other choice but to struggle in order to grasp and adapt to the new life situation...

In life, there are many changes every second of every hour on each day that passes by whether it were from our experiences, situations, relationships, failures, successes, hardships, challenges, risks, physical changes in our appearances along the years to the better or maybe to the worse, yet at the same time there are also factual things in life that will never change no matter what happens, and that is feelings of pain we go through all the time when we lose a loved one from our lives...

Many people say forgetness is a gift from God, but actually we never forget them no matter how many years have gone by, instead we are illusioned by this concept, and keep ourselves busy as much as possible inorder to keep our sanity alive...

The longer the days, and the years that pass by where we truly long for their presence in our life with all the details included, we know that it gets harder by the day, and the pain never goes away...This is because reality is sinking deeper in our minds, souls and hearts that nothing can bring back the people who left us, and we will live, and die missing and needing them by our side...

As I sink myself within my thoughts, I use my wild imagination and picture how things would have turned out if my brother was physically present with us, how he would have changed whether in his looks and or personality, and moreover, how would he be looking at me - his kid sister, who grew into a young lady whether in style, appearance, and or thought especially that he always knew I was different, unique, and was talented with maturity at a young age...

In a couple of months, I will turn 31 years old, and I still remember clearly how I felt, and what I experienced exactly at the age of 21 when I was shocked by the loss of my only brother...

I always wished for his continuous presence in my life, and that we would grow older together, and mature at a higher level, remember our days when we were younger, and how we always had fights over the most irrelevant things, and that we would laugh about it, and keep it as our beautiful memory...

Unfortunately, I was destined to live all of it on my own, and I sadly don't carry many memories as I would have wished, they all seem to be moments and seconds which are never enough as a kid sister to keep with her throughout her adult life...

I always dreamt he would be present with my by my side whether when I graduated from College 10 years ago, at my engagement party a year later, and that we would have photos taken of us together, and I wished that he would be an amazing uncle to my children just as he was always an amazing brother to me, but I wasnt lucky enough to live all this with him, and it all remained as my dream, and continued to be an imagination I always had within my self until this day and forever...on my own...

Now I pray to God that he gifts me with a son one day just so he resembles his uncle in every way, and he would be the junior version of him one way or the other...

Only Allah knows what will happen a second decade from today, but all I am sure of is that it will never get easier, better, or fuller without his presence in my life...There will always be 'the biggest hole in my heart' that no one in the world can fill-up or replace...

The first decade has entered the cage, and there will be more decades to follow  where I will always remember and relive that moment when I first knew about it all...I have relived that moment many times over the many Januarys that have went by, and this is the one thing in my life that will never change - It will always remain the biggest and sad part of my incomplete personality without him by my side every step in my life...I went from being complete, satisfied, content, gifted kidsister to an incomplete, broken back-bone,more than half empty, abandoned lonelysister...

Whatever happens in my life this drastic alteration will always remain part of my tragic reality of who I became after losing him...I miss the old 'me'...I miss the feeling of being a true kidsister...As much as this infinite feeling is so close to my heart, and means the world to me, yet it seems further away from me than I can acutally imagine...