The "Pretty Un-Fit" Xperience...

One of the many experiences that obliged her to change without the need to 'over think' of what just happened - 'In There' ...  

Despite the many years that went by; yet the flashbacks are visible and particular in her mind as if it were yesterday.  The innocent smiles, the laughing hearts, and the jumping up & down souls were the things they shared as children - But wait a minute - was it all really true and coming from the heart or was it covered with restricted boundaries, and all these beautiful emotions she felt were not sincere...?!?    

She thought of nothing except being honest to no limits, sharing it all without any secrets, and enjoying the special moments she loved.  They used to eat, shop, sleepover, talk, laugh, swim, listen to music, play around the house, share special moments of innocence until one of those days...

One day, they went shopping, and she was sure she was having the time of her life, nothing could ever be more special than this - or so 'She Thought"...They randomly entered a shop, and were equally looking around, and sharing ideas about what they liked and didnt like so much; until a surprising bouncing question came along from the 'Sales Person' - "You all look alike so much - are you sisters...?" Sudden cold seconds of silence rised where she was going to naturally without thinking twice answer her and say "Ofcourse we are sisters" ... But Ooops life is full of suprises, and it sure does not give us all what we wish for... Without hesitation or embarrassment they quickly answered saying - "We are sisters, but she is not"....  

In that particular moment so many things she loved, cherished, and enjoyed all along were smashed into pieces, and scattered all over, not being able to ammend or pick up 'a single broken piece'...

This situation was very intense, sensitive, and traumatic for her to handle, especially that she was caught by surprise; yet on the other hand, they might not even remember or take into account that this situation had actually ever happened, or even if they remember, they would  think exactly like this - "Yes, so what, its no big deal, because simply this is the truth, that she is not our sister, but yes ofcourse we still love her...The boundaries' button was suddenly turned on, but never off again...

The situation was short in terms of the words that were said, yet this was one of the many situations that changed her gradually to the person she grew up to be...She became the 'Opposite of her past'...

From there onwards, she maturally believed that everyone should be careful as to what they say to their friends, family, and or colleagues, because there are words that might easily hurt them, and they might even walk a couple of steps backwards from where they were in that relationship...

There are many people who repeat this phrase "Forget the past, and move on"... I agree with the phrase as a general idea, but when it comes to specifics, and personal issues I highly disagree... Let me share with you my thoughts about this concept - its clearly simple...

If we forget our past, and move on, I personally dont believe we will completely be able to do so the correct way, because I feel 'our past' is the only reference we have as guidance to our present and future; without our past; we wont be able to walk through our present, handle it, and get ready 'somehow' for our future... 

I learnt how to have boundaries, keep them close, and only I can decide when and with whom to turn those buttons 'On & Off...' Always learn to differentiate between your love for a special person, and the way they treat you, because as much as they are different concepts; yet they are sometimes also interlinked...

At this particular moment, she walks backwards in thought to this situation and many others, and 'Simply Smiles' because it is 'Those Situatons' that made her change to become stronger, smarter, and wiser, and she has nothing more to add except two final words - Thank You :-) ...      

 

  

The First Decade...

January 18, 2003 Allah thought it would be best to take away from us the most special, precious, unique person from our lives - my one & only big brother, their only son, their eldest grandchild, their favourite cousin, their lover, their best friend, and much more...

Allah was sure he wouldnt be safe in the world anymore, and that something much more horrifying would have happened, and that we all wouldnt be able to handle the pain in our day to day lives, and this was the only thing that allowed us to keep going all these years that Allah definetly chose the best for him, and for us even though it is the most everlasting painful feeling, and shocking experience we had lived at that time, and still go through it all..daily, and suffer from it every year remembering the hardest, and most tragic details from the beginning until we were hit by the ongoing shocking reality that it has been a decade since all our lives changed, or let me rephrase it this way 'since our lives were shattered' yet we were obliged to experience and live with the change that he will no longer be physically present in our daily lives, and we had no other choice but to struggle in order to grasp and adapt to the new life situation...

In life, there are many changes every second of every hour on each day that passes by whether it were from our experiences, situations, relationships, failures, successes, hardships, challenges, risks, physical changes in our appearances along the years to the better or maybe to the worse, yet at the same time there are also factual things in life that will never change no matter what happens, and that is feelings of pain we go through all the time when we lose a loved one from our lives...

Many people say forgetness is a gift from God, but actually we never forget them no matter how many years have gone by, instead we are illusioned by this concept, and keep ourselves busy as much as possible inorder to keep our sanity alive...

The longer the days, and the years that pass by where we truly long for their presence in our life with all the details included, we know that it gets harder by the day, and the pain never goes away...This is because reality is sinking deeper in our minds, souls and hearts that nothing can bring back the people who left us, and we will live, and die missing and needing them by our side...

As I sink myself within my thoughts, I use my wild imagination and picture how things would have turned out if my brother was physically present with us, how he would have changed whether in his looks and or personality, and moreover, how would he be looking at me - his kid sister, who grew into a young lady whether in style, appearance, and or thought especially that he always knew I was different, unique, and was talented with maturity at a young age...

In a couple of months, I will turn 31 years old, and I still remember clearly how I felt, and what I experienced exactly at the age of 21 when I was shocked by the loss of my only brother...

I always wished for his continuous presence in my life, and that we would grow older together, and mature at a higher level, remember our days when we were younger, and how we always had fights over the most irrelevant things, and that we would laugh about it, and keep it as our beautiful memory...

Unfortunately, I was destined to live all of it on my own, and I sadly don't carry many memories as I would have wished, they all seem to be moments and seconds which are never enough as a kid sister to keep with her throughout her adult life...

I always dreamt he would be present with my by my side whether when I graduated from College 10 years ago, at my engagement party a year later, and that we would have photos taken of us together, and I wished that he would be an amazing uncle to my children just as he was always an amazing brother to me, but I wasnt lucky enough to live all this with him, and it all remained as my dream, and continued to be an imagination I always had within my self until this day and forever...on my own...

Now I pray to God that he gifts me with a son one day just so he resembles his uncle in every way, and he would be the junior version of him one way or the other...

Only Allah knows what will happen a second decade from today, but all I am sure of is that it will never get easier, better, or fuller without his presence in my life...There will always be 'the biggest hole in my heart' that no one in the world can fill-up or replace...

The first decade has entered the cage, and there will be more decades to follow  where I will always remember and relive that moment when I first knew about it all...I have relived that moment many times over the many Januarys that have went by, and this is the one thing in my life that will never change - It will always remain the biggest and sad part of my incomplete personality without him by my side every step in my life...I went from being complete, satisfied, content, gifted kidsister to an incomplete, broken back-bone,more than half empty, abandoned lonelysister...

Whatever happens in my life this drastic alteration will always remain part of my tragic reality of who I became after losing him...I miss the old 'me'...I miss the feeling of being a true kidsister...As much as this infinite feeling is so close to my heart, and means the world to me, yet it seems further away from me than I can acutally imagine...